Alcohol and Tobacco petitioning to become illegal substances in the UK:

In the wake of the lawsuit by Steve Irwin's family against The Bloodhound Gang, alcohol and tobacco producers have piggybacked the tragic death of the beloved animal chasing icon in an awkward attempt to circumvent the numerous lawsuits against them in courts across the world. A spokesperson for the legal team behind the move had this to say:

"The alcohol and tobacco industry has been unfairly persecuted with over-taxing and lawsuits for injuries that claimants have, for all intents and purposes, inflicted on themselves. Being made illegal substances seems to be the only way forward to insure the survival of our respective industries and to protect our employees."

The facts of the case are hard to ignore. Figures release by the Cabinet Office's Strategy Unit stated:

"The overall costs of alcohol misuse in the workplace and the wider economy range between £5 and £6 billion pounds and total of around 150,000 and 163,000 potential years of life lost ..."

The Centre for Health Economics at the University of York estimated:

"Smoking costs the NHS between £1.4bn and £1.7bn a year."

Compare that to the £20 billion The Guardian Newspaper estimated illegal drugs cost the country and you're left wondering, along with the alcohol and tobacco industry, why are hard drugs illegal? We managed to get a hold of a source close to the opposition party leader who clarified the position:

"The numbers in this case are completely transparent. Alcohol and tobacco cost the UK taxpayer just under £10billion a year, but tax revenues from tobacco sales alone brings in over £10billion a year! Illegal drugs are the only ones not pulling their weight. We don't tax them, we can't fine the manufacturers for faults or poor quality and people cannot sue them for damaging their health. Financially in this country we would be hugely better off if we legalised all drugs like heroine and cocaine but no party is going to push for that simply because it is unpopular."

This insider continued by stating that this move by tobacco and alcohol to become an illegal substance was not only understandable, but with the scientific data regarding their products it will also be an easy case to prove that each should actually be illegal in the UK already.