Archbishop of Canterbury kicked to death in "honour killing":
Despite the outrage caused by the Archbishop's comments regarding the integration of Sharia Law in the UK, no extra security was provided for the religious leader. A fault that has sparked investigation into police handling of the matter. Lord Harken, who will be leading the inquiry, spoke at a press conference:
"The Archbishop's death could have been avoided if police had taken the public outcry seriously. Not only have they been negligent in their duties to Dr. Rowan Williams but releasing his killers without charge is simply appalling."
The three people accused of kicking Dr. Williams to death were released without charge just hours after confessing to the crime. The Chief Inspector was at the press conference and attempted to explain the reasoning behind their release:
"The three people involved in the incident did confess to the crime but stated that it was an honour killing. In light of the Archbishop's comments regarding the integration of Sharia Law in Britain we felt that he would not have wanted his killers to be punished just because their beliefs differed from laws in the UK."
In a written statement by the accused's lawyers, they stated how their clients felt Dr. Williams comments had damaged the reputation of the church, undermined it's fundamental beliefs and spiritual standing in local communities. 'Brutally murdering him was the only way' to make the church seem honourable again. A friend of the Archbishop spoke to us:
"If he was here now I'm sure he would be applauding the people who beat him to death for sticking to their convictions despite pressure from the media to adopt more mainstream views."
Despite the general apathy regarding the murder, the church is suing The Sun newspaper for promoting the idea of assaulting a member of their clergy. A spokesman for the church elaborated:
"The Sun created a computer game called 'Bash the Bishop' in which players were encouraged to smack Dr. Williams in the face. While we do not wish to disparage the firm beliefs of the Archbishop's actual killers, we feel that the attack was instigated by this game which was created by a newspaper with no such religious affiliations."
The overall message was clarified by the Chief Inspector:
"... if you want to circumvent the law in Britain, you need to adopt a religious belief that breaking that law is the right thing to do."
As usual, neither the Christian God or the Islamic God were available for comment.
Disclaimer: This article is completely false ... except for the parts that are true, but, probably just like the people involved, I can't remember which parts those are, if any, so best to just take the whole thing as nonsense. †