UK Defence Budget cancelled in favour of more lawyers:
It will start with the Trident missile systems and end with the cleaning staff at the MOD, but within the next five years every part of the UK defence network will be dismantled in favour of more modern defence weapons - lawyers.
A high ranking naval officer (who wishes to remain anonymous) told us that it was the military themselves that suggested the move:
"If there's one thing we've learned from Iraq, it's that modern warfare is no longer about who has the best bombs or guns, but who has the best lawyers."
Certainly, the number of lawsuits for people injured by the military has already cost the US and UK over £16million in compensation payouts to civilians in Iraq ... and that is just the tip of the iceberg. Out of the 16,360 compensation claims filed by Iraqis in 2006 and 2007 against the US military only 6,554 have been settled thus far at a cost of £12.8million ($21.4million). The UK has managed to avoid most payouts thanks to our excessive bureaucracy but more than £3.5million has already managed to trickle through:
(contd ...) "By the end of it all we expect to have spent more on compensating the people of Iraq than defending them. By the end of 2007 we couldn't even afford grenades to throw at them and we thought ... hmmm, what a great tactic!"
The MOD will therefore be replaced by an army of just 10,000 lawyers:
(contd ...) "The threat of being sued for injuries is more powerful these days than a hundred Trident missiles. We'd bankrupt any nation that fired on us with the number of compensation claims that would result. It would not be in their interests to fire."
Naturally, with their penchant to use compensation orders instead of actual action, the UN has applauded the move. Kofi Annan, who was Secretary-General in 2000 when Iraq was ordered to pay $15billion in compensation to Kuwait just for burning some of their oil, said he hoped more nations would follow Britain's lead and start "suing instead of shooting".
The biggest fear for most is whether enemy nations would be more likely to try and wipe out the UK so that there was no-one left to sue them. Stefan Krohelberg, a leading weapons expert, told us:
"This is why lawyers were chosen. We have done extensive testing and the only two things that will definitely survive a nuclear attack are lawyers and cockroaches."
Disclaimer: This article is completely false ... except for the parts that are true, but, probably just like the people involved, I can't remember which parts those are, if any, so best to just take the whole thing as nonsense. †